Grandma Place

My Grandmother's funeral is tomorrow and I thought I would take some time to think about her. Grandma has been very sick for the last three years and really we have just hoped that she would be able to return to her Father in heaven and her husband as soon has they were ready for her. I was quite surprised at the feelings that I felt when Dad called to tell me she had passed away. I hadn't been to see her recently. It was hard to visit because she didn't really talk to us anymore and she couldn't hear me and I felt awkward when I would visit. I had such a huge feeling of loss after Dad called. This was the only grandmother I really remember and I loved her and I know she loved me.

This is a picture of Grandma as I remember her.

The Grandmother I knew came to most of my performances growing up. She shared Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Sunday dinners and birthday's with us. She liked to complain and nag at her husband saying "Arthur" and calling him "Jerry" when she liked him. She complained about bean cans being smaller than they used to be, people being less friendly and she couldn't believe that anyone would wear clothing that looked like it was made out of an American flag. She wore high heels and pants every day. Nothing was made "the way it used to be."

When I was in 6th grade we played jacks all the time when she would come over on Sundays. She always had cookies for us at her house. We loved her bean salad and everyone but me loved her Christmas pudding cake. Grandma had a lot of energy and was seldom ever sick. She was scraping the ice off her car, driving her own car, and walking around in high heels the day before her stroke. Here she is sledding in high heels.

She would sometimes laugh hard, putting her head up to the sky. She went through a period of time when she would cover her face anytime Dad was taking pictures. That must have been when she was trying to reject old age. Eventually she gave in to the fact that she had to get older and stopped complaining too loud about getting a picture taken.

For her 90th birthday I put together a video of her life. My Dad had just run into a bunch of pictures and negatives and let me go through them. As I was putting the video together I got to thinking about how much I don't know my grandma. What was she like as a child. What were her dreams and hopes she was expecting from life. It is amazing to think of all the changes she has seen in the world in her lifetime.

I think sometimes I just saw her as a Grandma. I love these old pictures and the stories they might hold. I wish I had known more of her.

As I am getting older (34 now) I am realizing that I am still the same person inside that I have always been. I think of all the high school and growing up traumas and heartbreaks and they still exist inside of me. Life has been a lot different than I had envisioned it. I am in an extremely happy place right now, but that has come with realizing that things just aren't going to turn out the way I originally hoped, life is not like the movies and I am in charge of my own happiness. I love my husband and my four children and wouldn't want to be anywhere other than where I am right now in life.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be 90 years old, when most of the people who really knew me are no longer on this earth. Death does not scare me, but growing old certainly does. When everything I am is gone, what will I be? Hopefully Loren and I will be a very old couple sitting on the porch swing laughing over our memories - if we still remember them.

I hope Grandma was happy with her life. While I don't feel like I really knew who she was inside, I feel like I have a lot of her in me.

I love you Grandma!